Can Cheating Have Any Positive Impact Whatsoever on your Relationship?
by Prof. Ayhan Kalyoncu, M.D. & Clinical Psychologist Neval Sipahi
While there is no doubt that most of us in healthy relationships can agree that we do not like getting cheated on, we believe it is absolutely necessary for the purposes of this article to define not only cheating but also it’s boundaries as we may not always agree on the definition. For some, the boundaries of what is considered cheating are very broad to the extent that in some cases even relationships or encounters that occurred before the start of said relationship are considered as cheating. For those who define cheating as such, the idea that their partner has had any relationships with anyone other than themselves is simply unbearable. We are not here to discuss how right or acceptable this definition of cheating is! For our purposes, we will stick to a more simple definition: cheating, in its more tangible form, can be defined as engaging in sexual acts with someone other than one’s committed partner after the official start of their relationship. However we may define cheating, if cheating occurs during the course of a relationship, we can conclude that at least for the time being the one who cheats wishes to continue the relationship with the one he/she is cheating on.
Our research on this very lucrative subject has shown me that there is no statistical data that can help us paint an accurate picture as people often refrain from sharing such confidential information. However, when we examined Turkish Sexual Health Institute’s (CISED) data just to get a better understanding of the statistics in Turkey, I found that in a 2017 study conducted on the internet 58% of married men in Turkey and 40% of married women in Turkey have admitted to have cheated on their marital partners during marriage at least once. Truth be told, we are doubtful about the accuracy of these statistics due to the nature of the study. According to another study, in the 1990s in the United States, 22% of married men and 14% of married women admitted to having cheated on their wives and husbands, respectively. We believe these are very low numbers for our day and age. Perhaps, the only accurate data on the subject we have is the Turkish Statistical Institute’s (TÜİK) data on divorce rates due to cheating. According to TÜİK, the official reason stated for 16.8% divorces in Turkey has been cheating. However, even this percentage does not reflect the true prevalence of cheating in our society.
It is obvious that the statistics and data can not paint an accurate picture of the commonality of cheating in our society. We also must consider the judgements, misconceptions, and preconceptions our society holds when considering such a sensitive and complex subject. For example; “Men cheat easier and more often,” “Mothers don’t cheat,” “Working women cheat,” or “Women are not like men,” are judgements that are often widely held, but almost never reflect reality. What we do know is this; only some men and even fewer women cheat on their partners, while a majority of men and even a bigger majority of women do not cheat on their partners.
Most times when cheating is involved, it is seen as bringing the end of a relationship. The partner who has cheated due to unfaithfulness takes on the sole blame as the “offender,” and the partner who is cheated on is immediately seen as the sole “victim.” Likewise, most times without as much as trying to figure out what went wrong, the couple decides to end the relationship, believing it to be unsalvageable. However cheating is often a symptom, and not the problem itself. In fact, infidelity shows couples that there are problems in their relationship -- problems that have never been talked about, problems that have been hidden, problems they never had the courage to share with each other. Hence, seeing cheating as what brought the end of the relationship means ignoring these realities that led to the cheating in the first place.
In that case;
Can we view cheating as a situation that allows couples to think about the dysfunctional and unsatisfying aspects of their relationship?
If so, could we talk about the constructive influence of cheating on relationships?
Examining the building blocks and dynamics of a marriage foundation would allows us to better answer the above mentioned questions. Marriages are built on a foundation of trust and cooperation. Marriages, unlike short term relationships, are built on the satisfaction derived from long-term shared love, compassion, and trust instead of short lived lust and excitement. When a couple promises each other eternity, they say “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” Consequently, it is fair to say that no one gets married for short term sexual excitement or lust. Married life, however, with it brings its very own routine, color, and satisfaction. Sometimes this routine can lead individuals to get fatigue and as a result get bored, which leads them to go looking for various excitements or to decrease the sexual or romantic interest they show their partner.
The popular movie “Cebimdeki Yabancı” produced by Ferzan Özpetek introduces us to characters that portray exactly these dynamics within relationships, marriage, and cheating in a realistic, entertaining, and refreshing way. The movie portrays the search for excitement as an escape from the routine of marriage, the expectation of attention from one’s partner (that often goes unnoticed and unsatisfied) and how it all can lead to indiscretions. During the course of the movie, the couples play a game. This game has only one rule: They must read every notification and text message they receive throughout the night out loud to each other, and pick up every call. The couples, who assure each other that they have nothing to hide (even though their phones say otherwise) begin to play the game. Although the idea of playing such a game seems fun at first, eventually the couples are forced to share with each other every little thing that they hid, chose no to share, and pretended to be okay with up until then. As expected, with every text message and phone call the illusion of faithfulness and complacency in their marriage and relationships is shattered. Every secret the couple has kept from each other finally comes out, big or small, and reflects the problems in the foundation of their relationship.
Just like in the movie “Cebimdeki Yabancı,” there could be numerous reasons that push someone to have an affair. The Pathology of the person who cheats, their sexual dissatisfaction within the relation, the lack of compassion, love, and attention within the marriage or relationship could be amongst the main reasons why someone may choose to have an affair. For example, if someone is abusive, dismissive, or humiliating towards their partner this can lead to cheating as the abused and humiliated partner would go looking elsewhere for the kindness they are craving. Similarly, in the movie on of the characters searches for the attention they lack in their marriage by texting with someone else as they were not getting attention from their partner. On the other hand, sex addiction and the fear of attachment are amongst two of the top reasons for cheating.
Because cheating points to several problems and shows us that there are serious emotional and otherwise lacking aspects in a relationship it can be examined as a multi dimensional subject. However, often the real reasons behind the cheating are left undiscovered and the focus is immediately shifted to the traumatic effect on the marriage and the aftermath of the cheating. People often stay away from considering the different dynamics that led to the infidelity in the first place. Whereas, I believe only examining the damage cheating has caused is pretty ineffective. Affairs are extremely painful experiences that lead to emotional destruction and often leave the partner who got cheated on feeling worthless. If couples can manage to approach the subject of cheating in a more understanding, open, and less destructive way, they can discover better dynamics in their relationships.
In long term relationships the commitment between the couples is created from the flexibility, patience, and endurance to pain they share towards each other. In contemporary relationships, by claiming certain rights on each other, couples often consume each other and their relationship. Instead of placing enough value on the romantic choices like constant excitement, comfort, sexual happiness, and intellectual gratification that a marriage is supposed to provide, individuals chose to focus on the tiniest frustrations and slightest struggles that can surely arise. As a result, at the slightest road bump where they feel their needs are not met, individuals become ready to forgo their promise of sexual faithfulness to their partner. On the other hand, those who are ready to forgive their partner’s indiscretion are heavily criticized by their family and friends. According to their close group of friends and family, they are labeled as “cowards” or “lacking in courage” for being ready to forgive their partner. In our day, women who leave their husbands who cheat on them are viewed as “having respect for themselves.” Likewise, those who share their experience getting cheated on forgo the right around the privacy that protects marriage and gives right to everyone to speak about or investigate them. Although it may seem that the ethical judgements made by others or even insults directed at the “offender” in these cases may seem comforting for the individual who is cheated on they are often useless and even damaging.
If we want to deal with infidelity/cheating in a mature manner;
It is acceptable and tolerable to feel intense anger/frustration and remind ethical truths following the infidelity/cheating for a time being.
Nevertheless, after a while couples must do meaningful work together to discover the true meaning behind the infidelity/cheating.
This elaborate work starts with considering the perspective of both sides:
What happens to someone who is cheated on, and what happens to someone who cheats?
What does this situation mean for the person who is cheated on, and what does it mean for the one who cheated?
It is important for loyal spouses to be tolerant and show patience after cheating. The partner who is cheated on is not only expected to give up moral high ground, but they are also expected to contemplate and try to understand why cheating was freeing, enjoyable, and meaningful for their spouse. The spouse should consider that the infidelity that has caused severe pain and sadness might have been triggered from distress, desire for sexual difference, or existential growth, discovery and change.
It is important that the partner that has been cheated on can manage to control their desire for revenge. This way, they can learn to relieve their desire for revenge in a healthy way. Likewise, the partner who is cheated on must refrain from the desire of knowing everything and demand details of the physical actions of their spouses indiscretion. They may ask inquiring questions about theır partners feelings, but not about details such as hair color, sex positions, or the size of genital organs! At this point in your relationship when you are trying to rebuild and restore trust, it is quite wrong to force your partner into a legal confession or police questioning type situation to make them feel defeated. This way you have the opportunity to protect your relationship and take this experience of disloyalty and turn it into an emotional adventure that truly allows you to grow as a person.
The threat felt from the presence of a third person in your relationship may lead to the resurgence of the sexual spark in your marriage. On the other hand, the fact that you do not wish to pursue revenge, that you understand your partner’s desire to feel “alive” through sexual discretion, and the desire to put an end to monotony can be extremely hard to cope with for some. It can even make you reluctant or discouraged from engaging in sexual intercourse. For this reason, it is vital that you remain creative and playful in your sexual relationship. It is completely natural to struggle with finding the strength to re-initiate a sexual relationship and build trust with your partner following the trauma after infidelity. If you struggle building this connection on your own with your partner, a licensed therapist can certainly help you in this aspect of your relationship. In monogamous relationships, it’s undeniable that both sides must show effort to have a healthy sex life. When elderly couples are asked how many years they have been together, why are they applauded as if they have completed a marathon or survived cancer? Are they applauded for their patience and resistance or are for their masochistic attitudes? The fact is, in every relationship couples must struggle against the fundamental existential paradoxes of security and adventure, unity and autonomy, stability and innovation to remain together and survive. And, that’s exactly why they deserve to be applauded the longer they manage to survive each other against odds!
In relationships, love or sex should not let people claim certain privileges or rights over each other. It is not possible to own someone else or their feelings. What cheaters and their partners teach us is that we must be more tolerant and understanding when it comes to unfaithfulness. The complexities of love and desire can not be reduced to simple classifications like good and bad, “victim” and “offender.” It is obvious our judgemental attitudes neither prevents us from committing such indiscretions, nor from being on the receiving end of such indiscretions. The only thing our judgements cause are miscommunication and prevent us from understanding why we cheat in the first place.
In conclusion, cheating is not a logical enough reason to end your relationship. With the help of an expert you too can discover, question, and find solutions to the problems that have led to the infidelity.
This article, originally titled "Aldatma İlişkide Olumlu Bir Dönüşüme Yol Açabilir Mi?" has been translated from its Turkish format by Prof. Dr. Ö. Ayhan Kalyoncu.
May 29th 2018 -- Taksim, Istanbul